Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
