forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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