I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
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He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
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Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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