There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
