I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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