i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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