Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
