If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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