Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
