just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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