Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
