Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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