when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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