I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. š
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