i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
