how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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