just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
