if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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