i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped