R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
