it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.