How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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