Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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