Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
