you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
