haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
