forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Houston, we have a squirter
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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