Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
