Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
