Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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