i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
