Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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