allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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