so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
