happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
