I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
