Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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