Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
