i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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