so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You smell like stripper and shame
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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