Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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