you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
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I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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