so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
