that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
