i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
