alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
