i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
