woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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