He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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