i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just took my morning after pill in the library
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We have started to decorate penises.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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