So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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