I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
