I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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