Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
