Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
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Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
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Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head