Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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