I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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