atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
